LockedDown.Org

I figured I would start off my stories with a funny one. Not all life in the Pen is hardcore and serious. You have got to have a little fun if you are going to make it through day in and day out. The fun sometimes goes a little far but every now and then, it works out better than you planned. Spontaneous fun is, well.. more fun!

This day began with one of the sergeants working a double. He wasn’t too happy about it but was going to make the best of it! Our little prank needed a few props. First prop: A UA Cup, or Urine Analysis for testing urine for drugs. He took this cup and put the tiniest bit of coffee in it. The rest he filled with water to give it the nice light yellow tint of urine. He proceeded to write an inmate’s name and DOC number on it to make it look legit.

Next we needed a mark. We will call him Parker. Parker had just earlier in the shift told us a story of when he was younger. Some kid he knew had thrown feces on a buddy of his, thus giving him a slight phobia of bodily fluid. This made him the perfect choice.

The sergeant handed him the urine cup and told him he needed to test it for Marijuana. This required prop nummber two: A test stick. These look much like home pregnancy tests. Parker was to remove the cap from the cup and place the stick inside the coffe… er,.. urine to test for Marijuana. Simple right?

As the sergeant handed him the cup Parker pointed out that he was not wearing latex gloves and how gross it was. He was NOT testing anything without gloves. Parker donned his gloves and unscrewed the cap. He placed the stick into the cup and the wait was on. It doesn’t take long and Parker, as we expected, reminded us of his phobia of urine.

Here was my chance. I was sitting next to him to “learn” how to do a UA test properly. After all, I am a new cadet and I am in training! I eagerly yelled, “I’ll check it!” I then grabbed the stick from the cup, flinging what Parker thought was urine all over him. He sprang from his chair screaming and yelling obscenities at me. While he was backing away from the desk glaring at me, I picked up the UA cup in my other hand. Calmly I asked him for the direction sheet from the stick that was in his pocket now. Seeing as how I didn’t have a free hand to grab it, I stuck the UA stick in my mouth, testing strip first, to free up a hand. This nearly sent him over the edge.

“YOU JUST PUT THAT IN YOUR MOUTH YOU SICK *#$%!”

I simply replied, “Yea.. Sarge makes AWESOME coffee!”

Sarge was in tears at this point and I think he might have wet himself a little (After all, we are doing UA tests, It makes sense). The disgust left Parker’s face and he just turned and left the room muttering something about our mothers and how payback is a bitch. I will be watching my back for a LOOOONG time!